MONSTER MOTHER

I HATE SNOW DAYS, SICK DAYS, VACATIONS AND HOLIDAYS OF ANY KIND. There, I've said. I hate it when my child is home for 24 hours a day for more than 2 days at a time. She has been home 19 of the last 20 days due to illness, snow, oversleeping (once). We are stranded inside because the wind chill factors are below zero. Cant even go outside to play it is so cold. We are eating crap food because we ran out of healthy (mostly). I made chicken and noodles last night using legs and thighs that I have had forever and was never going to use. We even had mashed potatoes and pea salad. Fat, fat, fat. Someone brought me a package of ground beef yesterday but how would they know I only buy super extra lean ground beef and they gave me that 70/30 crap. I could rinse the fat off if my hot water worked. It is still frozen. The snow in my living room has not melted yet. All day long, all I hear is I am hungry. Well darn it, I do not feel good. My thumb still hurts, I have a headache, you wake me up at 3 in the a.m. and do not go back to sleep. You ask me questions while I am trying to go back to sleep and in my stupor I think I have answered you but that is only in my head. I have not actually spoken. So you scream at me. So I try to mumble the answer as best I can although I am EXHAUSTED. I lay in bed until 9 a.m. in this stupor of not sleeping, but not really awake, and every now and then I hear - my tummy is hurting me - so I hand you a piece of a blueberry muffin that I have under my pillow for some reason. I have the bottle of spray margarine in the window sill and I spray it twice. This happens about every 30-45 minutes until I finally get up and put the rest of the muffin away. Now I am up. The inside of my mouth feels raw and hurts, like I burned it on something. I am sick of Dora, Diego, Ruby and Max, Barney, but most of all myself. Why don't I want to play games with her. We have them. Why don't I want to read to her? We have tons of books. Why don't I want to do anything but lay down and cover up and be left alone? I feel like a monster. BUT even though I feel this way, yesterday she looked at me and said "Mommy, I'm glad you aren't like my daddy". So even though I feel like a monster, she knows who the real monster is.


So I will sing the song from Annie "The sun will come out tomorrow......." and hopefully it will, the snow will melt, she will get back into the routine of going to school.  That will be a chore.  She has been home for so many days, she won't want to go back.  I feel for the teacher and the staff those first few days and for me on those mornings when I am again playing the cheerleader, trying to think of a million reasons she needs to go to school; her friends miss her, she has to learn, it is the law, etc.  


Actually, the sun is out today but doubt it is warm enough to melt anything.  Just got a phone call from the guardian of Marissa's best friend.  She was just checking on me.  That in itself brought me to tears.  She is bringing me some toilet paper.  A necessity that I am almost out of.  So now, I am tearful and depressed.   So I'm off to watch TV.  Cant do much cleaning with just one hand although I am trying to clean an explosion in the bathroom right now.  Poop everywhere.  I think it is time for the serenity prayer.  


Peace, Love, Dove,


Janis